Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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