If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
