I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
