sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
