i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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