And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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