Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
