This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
