I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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