Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
pray to the hookup gods
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
