I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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