you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I AM VODKA MAN
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
