bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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