Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
