On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
