Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
