Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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