thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Couch. On fire.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
