I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
