i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
