grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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