You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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