every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
