I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
