Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
