you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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