just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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