last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
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