i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Two words: blizzard sex
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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