i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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