so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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