i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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