i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
