You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
