I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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