I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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