That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
