Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
the day after is always just damage control
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
