I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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