So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
