This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
