who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
