im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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