What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I deserve to be covered in dicks
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
