just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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