Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
