Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
