Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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