Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
