I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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